Boomers & Sooners, Part Two ~ An Editorial and a Carpenter

Elias C. BoudinotElias C. Boudinot was the son of Elias “I Don’t Have A Middle Name” Boudinot, who’d helped to establish and edit the first Amerindian newspaper, the Cherokee Phoenix. Remember Sequoyah and his syllabary? Boudinot was the guy who turned it into movable type so it could be printed easily.

The senior Boudinot believed acculturation (assimilation into white culture) was the best hope for the survival and success of his people. He was assassinated in 1839 for his role in Indian Removal, having signed the Treaty of New EchoStar – convinced that a move to Indian Territory was inevitable and the Cherokee should at least secure the best terms possible.

I don’t know what it must be like to have your father assassinated by members of your tribe over violations of sacred beliefs, but I can’t imagine it does much for your love of the people or their traditions and values. I’m just speculating.

Missionaries to the IndiansThe rest of the younger Boudinot’s upbringing took place in Connecticut with his mother’s family – a well-off people of some status who supported Christian missionaries among the Cherokee. These weren’t the yelling and shaking godly fists types of missionaries, or the Spanish Priests variety who thought enslavement was good for the sinful savage. These were the kind of missionaries who tried to make themselves legitimately useful among those to whom they were missioning, but who also hoped to eventually change a few key traditions and values – like, say… killing those who sign away tribal lands.

What I’m suggesting is that ECB’s later betrayal of his ancestry might not have been completely without foundation. I don’t know this for a fact, but I’m writing it with great confidence so I’m pretty sure that makes it true – especially if others stumble across this and repeat it as canon. At the very least, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable interpretation.

MKTElias C. Boudinot became in  many ways the worst version of his father’s progressive vision – a political figure who worked in both Indian Territory (I.T.) and Washington, D.C., often more in support of railroads and national expansion than anything traditionally Cherokee. The excerpts below are from a letter he wrote which created quite a stir after its publication in 1879.

Boudinot’s argument regarding the availability of ‘unassigned lands’ in I.T. sparked a land-hungry kerfuffle and spawned ‘Boomers’ like Charles Carpenter and the unofficial ‘Father of Oklahoma’, David L. Payne.

These unappropriated lands… amount to several millions of acres and are as valuable as any in the Territory. The soil is well adapted for the production of corn, wheat and other cereals. It is unsurpassed for grazing, and is well watered and timbered.

The United States have an absolute and unembarrassed title to every acre of the 14,000,000 acres… The Indian title has been extinguished… the lands {were} ceded “in compliance with the desire of the United States to locate other Indians and freedmen thereon.”

Cherokee PhoenixThe Reconstruction Treaties made with the various ‘Civilized Tribes’ after the Civil War include ‘freedmen’ explicitly and persistently. This choice of words was presumably intended to reinforce the postbellum reality that former slaves of the various tribes were now free, and under these treaties were to receive full rights and privileges of tribal citizenship. In this case, this meant access to land under the same terms as any other member of their respective tribes. 

By the express terms of these treaties, the lands bought by the United States were not intended for the exclusive use of ‘other Indians,’ as has been so often asserted. They were bought as much for the negroes of the country as for Indians…

Boudinot may be technically correct, but I’m not convinced he’s being completely honest. The implication that freedmen were ever intended to be granted acreage in I.T. outside the procedure for tribal land allotment is – to the best of my knowledge – ridiculous. Perhaps he’s playing on readers’ emotional reactions to the suggestion that the land ‘off limits’ to them would be so freely given to a bunch of ‘negroes.’ 

{The} public lands in the Territory… amount, as before stated, to about fourteen million acres.

Whatever may have been the desire or intention of the United States Government in 1866 to located Indians and negroes upon these lands, it is certain that no such desire or intention exists in 1879…

OK and ITWhile the Massacre at Wounded Knee (which effectively ended Amerindian resistance on the Great Plains) was a decade away, Boudinot was correct that the vast majority of those who were to be ‘relocated’ had already been moved. This ‘extra land’ in Indian Territory was unlikely to be assigned anytime soon.

These laws practically leave several million acres of the richest lands on the continent free from Indian title or occupancy and an integral part of the public domain…

Well now he’s done it. 

If these lands are public domain, they’re subject to the terms of the Homestead Act same as any other land in the west. They were pretty easy terms. 

Custer MovieEnter Charles C. Carpenter, a former Civil War… er, ‘participant’ in various capacities, both official and not. Apparently a fan of the recently deceased George Armstrong Custer, Carpenter sported long golden curls and buckskins. A commanding officer wrote of him that “he adds great shrewdness to the reckless courage which he undoubtedly possesses.”

I can’t tell if that’s a backhanded compliment or genuine praise. 

In any case, Carpenter built quite a resume for himself during and after the war – much of it rather difficult to actually document. To be fair, record-keeping was not a high priority in that century, and things like titles or official functions were far more subject to personal interpretation than is typical today. Think Rooster Cogburn in True Grit – officially a U.S. Marshall, also kinda working privately for Mattie Ross, sometimes subject to the rules and other times… not so much. 

Add wooshy hair in slow-motion while swelling frontier music plays and you probably have a pretty good idea how Carpenter saw himself – or at least how he hoped others would see him. Like Custer or Cogburn, he seems to have simultaneously personified the best of the American West AND been a pompous faker-face who could irritate the crap out of anyone with a little civilization or education. 

Grand RushHe was persuasive enough, though, to organize at least one big ‘boomer’ push into Indian Territory, where the limits of the government’s determination would be tested by a few brave souls willing to rough it and even risk trouble with the law to grab their little piece of the American Dream. Or at least, that was how they framed themselves. 

The actual ‘boomers’, I mean. Carpenter didn’t go with them. He stayed in Kansas where it was safe. 

Troops from nearby Fort Reno were sent to eject these ‘boomers’ and burn their humble settlement, and they were led back to Kansas in temporary defeat. Carpenter had promised they’d try as often as necessary to accomplish their goal, but he didn’t stay long enough to follow up on this first, rather anti-climactic effort. He’d received a visit from a government official familiar with enough of his background to promise him substantial difficulty should he persist in his little settlement scheme, and Charles didn’t care to test the validity of those threats.

He bailed.

His place will be taken, however, by another Civil War veteran, this one a man who’d actually served in the army proper, and who held an advantage much more durable than charm, legal arguments, or high hopes. 

David Payne believed.

David L. Payne

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part One ~ Last Call Land-Lovers

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part Three ~ Who’s Your Daddy? Why, It’s David L. Payne!

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part Four ~ Dirty Stinkin’ Cheatin’ No Good Sons Of…

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part Five ~ Cheater Cheater Red Dirt Eater

Boomers & Sooners, Part One ~ Last Call Land-Lovers

OU Drum MajorIf you’re from Oklahoma, or if you follow college football, or if you’ve ever been to OU, or if you have a pulse, you’ve probably more than once been subjected to the Hyper-Sousa-ish throb of the University of Oklahoma’s “Boomer Sooner.” If you’re truly dyed deep in just the right shade of maroon, you may even know the words:

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner…

Careful, now – there’s a real switcheroo coming – 

O K U !

Boomer Sooner SchoonerThose aren’t ALL of the words, of course – that would be silly. The second verse takes the theme to new depths:

Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma
Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, O K U!

Were you ready for the twist at the end that time? I’m so proud.

Most of you are at least generally aware that both ‘Boomer’ and ‘Sooner’ refer to some sort of law-breaking, rule-bending, cheating, stealing, land-grabbing behavior on the part of our state’s earliest settlers. But before you get too high and mighty about it, let me just step forward and say proudly that cheating and stealing land are WAY down on the list of atrocities involved in the birthing and subsequent… ‘development’ of our 46th State.

Do you think we’d sing of such things so proudly if they were anywhere NEAR the WORST of it? Hell, these are practically MERITS compared to the Tulsa Race Riots, policies towards the Native populations, lynching, fracking, and Jim Inhofe.

In any case, despite popular misconceptions, ‘Boomer’ and ‘Sooner’ are very different terms about very different types of people. I’m happy to help set your fur’ners straight.

Background to the Boomers

The groups now often referred to as the ‘Five Civilized Tribes’ (5CT) – the Cherokee, Creek (Muscogee), Choctaw, Chickasaw, and Seminole – were moved to Indian Territory (now Oklahoma, more or less) by force in the 1830’s. The atrocities of Indian Removal are well-documented elsewhere, but what’s less-recognized is that for those who survived, life in I.T. was not completely horrible for the next generation.

Indian Removal Map

The land was very different, but they adapted. Governments and schools were rebuilt, newspapers re-established, and life generally settled into a kind of ‘new normal’ – a calm which hadn’t been possible for nearly a century in the Southeastern U.S. from whence they’d come. The 5CT and their slaves (yes, they had slaves – a complex subject for another time) were largely left alone, thanks to the high value white Americans placed on the treaties both sides had signed in good faith.

HA! Just kidding – they were left alone because no respectable white guy would have come to Oklahoma by choice. It was completely undesirable land. That’s, um… well… that’s why we put the Indians here. (You thought we’d give them California?)

Either way, the 5CT were left alone for nearly a quarter of a century, which sounds much longer than simply saying “about 25 years”. Oklahoma History textbooks often call this a ‘Golden Age’ for the tribes, although that strikes me as a bit on the look-we-actually-did-you-a-favor side. But it didn’t suck, and many things are quite tolerable if it means not having to deal with white people.

Then came the American Civil War – something about slavery, or tariffs, or states’ rights, or whatnot. Hey, no problem here! We’re completely and totally fine with white people killing each other off. Be our guests . Here, borrow my rifle.

Confederate NDNOnly staying out of the conflict wasn’t as easy as they’d hoped. When pushed, many sympathized with the South, especially after Confederates promised them a better deal should they prevail. Some remained ‘loyal’ to the North, and a few went to great lengths to resist involvement altogether. Eventually, however, a majority of the 5CT were Confederates, including the colorful Stand Watie – the last Confederate General to officially surrender at the end of the war.

The unfolding of the Civil War in Indian Territory is a tale worth exploring, but for now the important thing is that by the end of the war many homes were destroyed, lives were lost, families torn apart… you see a familiar tale here, yes? The impact of the war in I.T. was as severe as most anywhere else in the South.

The difference postbellum, though, was that whereas Radical Republicans confronted a defiant, vain, feet-dragging South after the war as they pushed their vision of ‘Reconstruction,’ the Tribes were already subjugated and largely at the mercy of the Federal government. Oh, their representatives fought back with words and legalities to prevent it from being far worse than it could have been, but in the end they were condemned as having fought with the wrong side, and were forced to give up huge chunks of their land in Oklahoma as a result.

TatankaThat made room for the U.S. to begin packing in other tribes, this time mostly from the Great Plains. The Cheyenne, Arapaho, Wichita, Kickapoo, Pawnee, Apache, Comanche… and of course the Lakota Sioux. Remember Dances With Wolves? Yeah, this was THAT time period. Tatanka.

When this second wave of Indian Removal was complete, some of the lands remained ‘unassigned.’ These were cleverly labeled as the ‘Unassigned Lands’ – nearly 2 million acres across what we now know as Norman, Oklahoma City, Guthrie, Stillwater, etc.

When Destiny Closes A Manifest Door…

According to the Homestead Act of 1862, there was a pretty straightforward procedure for homesteaders wishing to settle on available land in the west. Except… this land wasn’t technically “available.” It was still Indian Territory, even if this particular section didn’t end up “allotted” to any Indians. 

Unassigned Lands

By 1889, the Great American West Bar & Grill was closing. The more inviting among the soiled women who loitered thereabouts had left with smarter, older, or quicker-thinking men. Time to throw back a couple of shots on top of that last beer and find someone who might not be the prettiest or the smartest, but who was available and not overly picky themselves.

Soiled DoveGentlemen, meet Oklahoma – or, part of her, anyway. That ‘unassigned’ section there in the middle. I like this one allot (see what I did there?) but you don’t wanna end up holding her panhandle, I assure you.

These homesteaders – our “Last Call Land-Lovers” – were the first ‘Boomers’ – folks who’d missed their chance to grab something prettier or smarter. Oklahoma flashed them a knowing grin and a settle-hither stare. “Hey baby, come check out my rich red clay. You want lakes? We can build them together. Bring your honey lamb and watch some bored birds – it will be grand! Aye-yip aye-oh aye-ayy.”

Keeping these acres ‘unassigned’ was like trying to keep your post-teen sister a virgin despite her not being engaged – at least not to anyone nearby. Sure, technically she’s not ‘available’, but she doesn’t look all that ‘taken,’ either. It’s just a matter of time until some boy tries to settle on her and dares you to do something about it.

The land-lusting was just big talk for a spell, until an editorial and a Carpenter set the stage for our protagonist and anti-hero, David L. Payne.

He’s going to become our daddy.

Boomers

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part Two ~ An Editorial & A Carpenter

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part Three ~ Who’s Your Daddy? Why, It’s David L. Payne!

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part Four ~ Dirty Stinkin’ Cheatin’ No Good Sons Of…

RELATED POST: Boomers & Sooners, Part Five ~ Cheater Cheater Red Dirt Eater

Liberty, Part Two – On Your Mark, Get Set…

 Freedom SunriseLiberty is a tricky concept. On the surface it seems so simple – you are either free, or you are not. You have options and opportunity, or you do not.

In practice, however, ‘liberty’ is one of the most disputed topics in history and politics, even today – not because anyone opposes the term, but because we don’t agree as to what it means.

My favorite explanation comes from Jonathan Haidt, citing philosopher Isaiah Berlin, who distinguished between ‘negative liberty’ and ‘positive liberty.’ The term ‘negative’ tends to strike us as rather, um… negative – but in this case it simply refers to the absence of restraints – the lack of things in your way to prevent you from doing as you choose.

If you’ve been in chains, and the chains are removed, you now have negative liberty. If you weren’t allowed to vote because of your gender before, but now you can, you’ve gained negative liberty. Even leaving an abusive relationship, so that the abuser no longer has direct control over your life, increases negative liberty because it removes restrictions. Students graduating high school and moving away to college or elsewhere often feel a surge of freedom from their newly acquired negative liberty! Finally! Freedom! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WHENEVER I WANT FOREVER AND EVER AMEN!

Oh The PlacesOnly they can’t. Most can’t afford to live the way they wish to live or go all the places they wish to go. They may have to work just to eat. Social mores change around them as well, and while they may still technically behave any way they wish, they’ll begin to lose friends and employment, and their romantic options will be… unpromising. If they’re not particularly attractive or bright, the possibilities are even more limited. In a few years’ time, they’re back in mom and dad’s garage apartment, tolerating dinner conversation and being called ‘Brandon’ instead of ‘Sharktooth’ so they can eat something that doesn’t come in a box with a toy.

Why? With all of that freedom, how could they go wrong?

It’s because they lack ‘positive liberty’ – the power, knowledge, and resources to fulfill their potential. What good is negative liberty if you’re stuck in an economy or a society that offers you few real options? What good is ‘freedom’ if you haven’t been trained and oriented to take full advantage of it?

Often it’s about money or education. Sometimes it’s more about exposure to a different people and situations, and learning how to navigate them. Maybe it’s work ethic, or some desirable skill or trait – speaking Arabic, playing the drums, or even looking really good in the right shorts. These things all provide different degrees of ‘positive liberty’ – the power to DO, to ACCOMPLISH, to take advantage of whatever this life might offer you.

The WizThe Wizard of Oz is full of examples. Dorothy and her cohorts encounter all sorts of opposition attempting to limit their ‘negative liberty.’ Angry trees, flying monkeys, and that green chick who sang ‘Defying Gravity’ all try to restrict or destroy them. When the primary source of this opposition – the Wicked Witch of the West – was removed, their negative liberty went way, way up!

And yet, the Scarecrow still thought he lacked a brain, the Tin Man a heart, etc. Only through the mechanizations of the faux Wizard were they enabled to utilize attributes which were technically there ALL ALONG. We don’t judge them harshly for not knowing already – if anything, we look down on the Wizard for not having mentioned it sooner. Apparently the old white guy who happenstance placed in charge figured it worked better for him if they didn’t too quickly recognize their true strength and value.

Wait for it. OK, ready to move on?

And Dorothy and those shoes! The entire story she just wants to get home – why doesn’t she just click the damn things together and go, save us all some peril and musical numbers?

Because she doesn’t know how. She doesn’t even know the shoes work that way. The rules in Oz are not the same as those in Kansas. While some realities transfer well (relationships matter, dogs are inconvenient and essentially useless), others must be explicitly taught. And as Alice discovered in Wonderland, sometimes what’s obvious to a native never does quite make sense to the newbie… so off with her head!

40 Acres & A MuleFreedman after the Civil War were suddenly given ‘negative liberty’. They could go wherever they wished, and do whatever they wanted. Most, though, ended up doing pretty much what they’d been doing before – working the soil for food and shelter. They lacked ‘positive liberty’. Why the fuss over ’40 Acres & a Mule’? Because a plot of land and a work animal, taken from their former oppressors, would have given them at least minimal resources to take care of themselves, to make choices, to rise or fall on their own merits. Without those two essential bits of positive liberty, their negative liberty meant little.

The Joads. Newsies. Immigrants. Black protestors in the 1960’s or the 2010’s. Occupy Wall Street. Any Middle Eastern nation we’ve “liberated” from an evil dictator. Viewed through the single lens of liberty as absence of restraint, these folks simply MUST get over themselves. Get a job. Work harder. Stay in school. OMG, I did it – why can’t you?

Tea Party QuestionSometimes the answer is that they don’t actually have the negative liberty we assume. A central theme of the #BlackLivesMatter movement is that police departments across the country forcibly prevent them from pursuing happiness, and sometimes take their lives as well. The Joads discovered serpents in the Promised Land of California – armed authorities limiting their movements, their speech, and their lifespans. Those are limits on ‘negative liberty’. Those are chains.

More deceptive and entrenched, though, is the dominant cultural expectation that those from vastly diverse backgrounds be held accountable for achieving the same outcomes, and for valuing those particular outcomes to begin with. Take a look at this picture:

Kid1

Consider the boy on the left. Do you think his parents read to him? Take him interesting places? Push him to do well in school? How many balanced meals do you think he has each day? How quickly is he taken to the doctor if ill? We can’t say with 100% certainty, but odds are good he has every advantage – and that he’s probably going to be very successful by most standards.

What about this kid?

Kid2

His parents aren’t making kale smoothies – his father is with his ‘new family’ in Vermont and his mom’s at work. How often does she read to him? Take him interesting places? Help him with his homework? What are the chances he’s eating balanced meals? You get the idea.

COULD he work hard in school anyway? Choose healthier food from whatever options are in the house? Utilize the blessings of technology and public libraries as partial substitutions for travel and interesting experiences?

I’d like to think so. And the first kid COULD become a screw-up, a drop-out, a ne’er-do-well. But would you bet on it? Out of a hundred of the first kid and a hundred of the second, what percentage of each would you predict become ‘successful’? Why?

At some point even Kid #2 will become at least partly responsible for the choices he makes. Eventually ‘fair’ becomes irrelevant when talking individual, personal accountability. And there will hopefully always be stories of those from worse backgrounds who make it, who achieve.

But there’s no such thing as a truly ‘level’ playing field. We’re all too diverse economically, and culturally, and the variety of one person’s life experiences are never quite the same as another’s. Life is unfair, and just to complicate matters, time and chance happen to us all.

As blessed as we are by the freedom and opportunity in this semi-progressive society of ours, it’s never as simple as making sure all of the ‘gates’ are ‘open.’ We absolutely must keep fighting to empower every last child with the understanding, agency, and resources to actually move through whichever of them he or she chooses.

RELATED POST: Liberty, Part One – The Causes Which Impel Them

Liberty, Part One – The Causes Which Impel Them

Jeffeson WritingWe hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness…

Hopefully this sounds vaguely familiar. It’s from the Declaration of Independence – history’s first and most famous combination break-up letter and birth certificate.

If you’ve had a longstanding relationship with someone – whether a lover, parent, spouse, or child – and that someone suddenly bails, you’re well within your rights to expect some sort of explanation. A midday text of “Not wrkng out – CU ltr… or not. Lev my stuff w/ Tori?” simply won’t do. T.J. and the Founders understood this, and explained their break-up in an ‘open letter’ to England and the world.

Your friends are all going to be asking what happened anyway, right? Might as well copy them on the text.

Breakup LetterBut it’s also a birth certificate in the sense that it describes and proclaims a new nation – a whole new KIND of nation, in fact. Lincoln will refer back to this Declaration in those terms fourscore and seven years later when he speaks of a nation ‘conceived in liberty’ and brought forth by fathers – in this case, ‘Founding’.

Then come the Big Three Rights. They’ll be expanded – or at least clarified – in a subsequent Constitution and its famous First Ten Amendments, but these are the foundation.

The phrasing was presumably borrowed (and modified) from John Locke, who wrote that governments have one job and one job only – the protection of property, defined specifically as life, liberty, and estate. Why T.J. and crew changed the phrasing is subject to discussion, but whatever their motivation, our lil’ nation wasn’t birthed by Locke (as far as we know – although we do have his nose… oh god, what if- ?!). Our legal birth certificate says Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness – not ‘estate’. Everything else is commentary.

So… what do they mean?

That’s the catch. We generally agree on the phrases – Democrats and Republicans, Chicks and Dudes, a wide variety of colors, religions, professions, and educational attainments… we pretty much all love those words.

We just don’t agree on what they mean. So… wrinkle!

Santa Kneeling Before Baby JesusCrane Britton in Anatomy of a Revolution argued that when taking over an existing government, there’s no need for a new flag – just change what the flag means. No reason for an entirely new government – so long as existing officials are willing to ‘adapt’. The more extant anthems, slogans, and other nationalistic symbols and phrases you can keep, the better – as long as you effectively reshape what they stand for. What they MEAN.

T.J. and the Founders weren’t going for anything so sneaky; they were proclaiming their goals openly, if a bit poetically. But they did give us words and symbols around which to rally, and were then kind enough to establish before the proverbial ink was dry that the difficulty lie in how those words and symbols are defined. The next three decades were defined by arguments over what our Constitution and accompanying documents actually mean – or should mean, at least. Eventually we went to war with ourselves over it, so… here’s to clarity next time, gentlemen.

We hold these truths to be self-evident

This is either seriously profound or a rather evasive way to confess we’re not actually sure why we believe these things. I’m going to go with profound, because… Jefferson.

that all men are created equal

Baby AmericaPretty tricky to reconcile slavery and subsequent treatment of immigrants and Amerindians with this one, isn’t it? It’s one thing to limit ‘men’ to, well… MEN; it’s another to presume this grand claim of the equality was obviously only intended for Anglo-Saxons of a certain income level. A more accurate rendering of the Founders’ general mindset might have read, “far more men are created essentially equal than most of you thought, although let’s not get carried away and think that’s necessarily everyone, or even a majority.”

Imagine reciting THAT on Declaration Day every year in school.

But when given a choice between accuracy and rhetoric, T.J. often chose the latter. I have no doubt he was entirely sincere – like many of us, Jefferson was quite comfortable believing several contradictory things at once. “I think, therefore I am distorting reality to fit my own needs.” 

that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights

CreatorThe ‘Creator’ part is also vague enough to mean whatever the reader wished it to mean. Many read ‘God’ without even consciously considering alternatives, while those less dogmatic could easily assume a less specific life force – be it Clockmaker, First Causer, or Nature itself.

As to those ‘unalienable’ rights, well… that’s rather bold! ‘Unalienable’ suggests these rights exist even when they’re being violated, or denied. They exist the same even if we attempt to surrender them voluntarily. They exist even if we’re bad people.

Even after the whole ‘all men’ issue was clarified (thank you, 14th Amendment), this is probably the greatest gap between our rhetoric and our actual beliefs as evidenced by our history. And lest we feel all 21st Century superior to our forebears, read it again and then think ‘Guantanamo Bay’. See the problem?

But for now let’s move to those Big Three highlighted earlier.

that among these are

That’s smart. “We’re going to list three biggies here, but we’re not saying these are the only ones.” A similar clarification will be made in the 9th Amendment after detailing various rights in the first eight. It’s not so different from what we do when making school policies – after skirt length and no guns or drugs or sexual harassment usually comes something like “and pretty much anything else we decide gets in the way of what we’re trying to do here.” That way, when some kid comes up with something you simply didn’t anticipate – like, bringing his Komodo Dragon to school – you don’t have to find a specific rule against that in order to send him and his pet home.

Life

Conception ApproachethThis one should be easy, right? And in some ways it is. It does get messy when we’re talking about anything involving a ‘right to die’ for the elderly or seriously damaged. Things get especially tricky when addressing reproduction – especially when it comes to ending existing pregnancies. Even the ‘do some heroin and have sex with your dog’ Libertarians are split over abortion, since this ‘right to life’ is so fundamental in the most original of American documents.

Very few of the folks chanting for choice are against ‘life’. It’s that definition thing again – what do we mean by ‘life’? When, exactly, does it begin – and what does that even mean? Who decides?

So maybe that first one isn’t so easy after all.

and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Yeah, yeah – I skipped one, I know. And I’m not sure what this one means, other than sounding much more positive than ‘estate’, or ‘stuff’. Perhaps it promotes the value of seeking personal fulfillment over simply meeting one’s obligations to community or country. Maybe ‘pursuit of happiness’ is drawn up in contrast to ‘serving one’s king.’ But I’m speculating.

Liberty

Liberty. Yeah… that one’s going to take a while. 

Tax Man

RELATED POST: Liberty, Part Two – On Your Mark, Get Set…

Tips For Parents (To Defeat Your Child’s Teacher)

Group HugI’m often amazed at the interactions I have with parents. By and large they let me off WAY too easy. Most tend to be focused on their child and what’s best for them in the long run, with each of us assuming the other to be relatively competent and doing the best they can with the time and resources at their disposal. Some of them have actually become Facebook or Twitter friends, so I see pictures of their dogs and family vacations. We’re not moving in together or anything, but it’s generally been warm and fuzzy and one of the reasons I love my job.

In other words, parents – you’re doing this all wrong.

Allow me to draw on 15+ years of experience in my district and working with teachers around the region to help you maximize your effectiveness when advocating for your child with teachers or the school. These are tricks and tips that other educators don’t want you to know, because they’ll give YOU the upper hand in defeating ‘the system’. 

Feel free to bring this list with you to meetings or hearings, but do me a favor and leave off any identifying titles, will you? I don’t want them to know I’ve violated The Code.

Tips for Talking to Your Child’s Teachers

Angry Dad1. Don’t talk to your child’s teachers. Why waste your time on the underlings when a little research allows you to directly contact the District Superintendent, Director of Curriculum, Assistant Director of Operations, and whatever an ‘Elementary and Secondary Compliance Manager’ is? Express your outrage and make sure they know WHO YOU ARE (i.e., someone far more important than whatever else is taking up their time and energy).

No one gets to these lofty positions without understanding that most of the people they’ve hired along the way are incompetent and screwing over kids like yours. A few paragraphs elaborating on this fact will form a bond of sorts between you – facilitating their cooperation and perhaps leading to a special meeting fast-tracking your concerns. They probably don’t have much else to do anyway – I mean, it’s not like they teach or anything, right? 

2. Avoid including anyone in your correspondence who might actually know your child or the circumstances which prompted your concerns. Nothing complicates matters faster than having all concerned parties in the same room at the same time, sorting out whatever triggered your outrage. Possible allies include building principals (be careful, though – they sometimes ask the teacher for their input on these things), friends who know or are related to teachers, or – best of all – other parents. You wanna know why your child couldn’t turn in that work after the due date? Ask while thirty villagers wielding torches and pitchforks swell behind you and see how THAT improves ‘communication’. 

Oh No You Won't

3. Keep in mind that your child is holy, and has the wide and balanced perspective of the very best 13-year olds. Sure, she makes you crazy at home with her whining and complaining. Yeah, he does tend to pretend he honestly didn’t know he had to take the trash out again THIS Thursday, just like the past hundred Thursdays. But once out of your sight, they are your sacred charges to defend and protect at all cost – reality be damned. It is inconceivable that your child under any circumstances would present things in such a way as to cover their own behind. And the suggestion s/he may perceive reality through the lens of a hormonal or genuinely confused teenager from time to time? Inconceivable. 

4. Conversely, assume any teacher who holds your child to any standards at all is incompetent, unreasonable, and personally out to get your darling. Come on – if they were THAT smart, they wouldn’t be teaching, right? The only reason someone remotely qualified in their field would avoid getting a REAL job and spend the day dealing with parents like yourself is their love of ruining young people’s lives. Yes, you signed the syllabus with all of those silly ‘policies’ and ‘expectations’ in it, but surely it was understood those were for OTHER people’s kids. Your goal should remain unwavering: to instill in your child the permanent conviction that rules and standards are for those around them (‘under them’, if we’re being honest). Your baby is different – always. They’re the exception – always. 

Adult Baby5. On that note, let’s not forget who this is really about – your child. There’s always someone out there trying to drive you apart from your baby, spreading their maliciously smooth rhetoric about development, maturity, and taking on personal responsibility. Fine. One day, maybe. But NOT today, and not in High School, or College, or those first few Nobel-worthy careers, or planning your dream wedding, or in that first marriage, or – 

The point is, maybe one day your baby WILL have to handle things by him/herself. How much more important, then, that you model for them NOW the value of outrage, of accusation, of stubborn refusal to compromise, or even really listen, and of disparaging all who oppose you to their peers and anyone else who will listen? We in the teacher business call these ‘life skills’. Should your child ever, God forbid, face adversity or confusion or frustration in college, or at the workplace, or in their relationships, they’ll know to circle the wagons and dig in! I can’t hear you, nah nah nah nah! Nothing says ‘promotion’ or ‘devotion’ like shrieking accusations and personal attacks.

You think reality TV rules the airwaves because those people are BAD examples? Think again, Mrs. I’d-Rather-Read-A-Book.

Batsomething Crazy6. Exploit weakness. Every time a teacher bends a policy to accommodate you, or an administrator responds with more than five words to your eleven page email of demands and complaints, it’s a sign you’re winning. A weaker parent would appreciate the gesture and back down – they’d “compromise.” Don’t fall for it. You’ve got your inch; double down and grab that ell. 

7. Finally, teachers and most everyone else up the chain of command are always busy, often to the point of being overwhelmed – especially late in the year. Use this to your advantage. The longer your emails, the more you can drag out the meetings, and the more people up and down the ladder you can get involved, the better. At some point chances are good they’ll give up fighting for your child’s academic soul and simply give you what you want to shut you up acknowledge your correctness. They know this only increases the chance that you or those in your circle of influence will repeat the process every time you’re bored or frustrated or that fool Bachelor gives the wrong trollop a rose, but still they weaken

Exhausted TeacherEven better, word will get around to avoid any real standards or expectations regarding your child – it’s just not worth the costs, especially with 150 other kids who need our help, our best lesson planning, our most creative adjustments, and our well-rested, back-in-perspective attention. You’ll have won, and your child will be safe – at least until some foolish, idealistic educator slips and treats them just like everyone else again. 

That’s OK, though. You’ll know what to do. 

RELATED POST: Karmapologies 

RELATED POST: 8 Ways To Tame An Angry Parent (a slightly more serious, useful post from Brilliant or Insane)

RELATED POST: 10 Things Parents Should Never Do (also from Brilliant or Insane, and also quite worth a read)