Solutions and Ideological Justice

Annoyed FingerAnyone in the world of public education for any length of time knows that we have a tendency to oversimplify things which are more complicated than we care to admit and to complicate things which simply don’t have to be that difficult.

“It’s such a challenge to find and retain good teachers!”

(We should pay them more.)

“We should talk to the local colleges about their training programs.”

(Yes, and then pay teachers better.)

“I’m thinking of a book study for district administration on what makes an effective educator.”

(Great – I’m in. But you get what you pay for, and…)

“We’re bringing in a consultant. He’s pretty expensive, but I think it will be worth it to improve teacher quality.”

(Yes, or we could use that money to pay our teachers better…)

“Let’s show that TED Talk on how Google runs their home offices. I’m having some of the chairs painted bright colors like in the video and I’m hoping that will change the climate building-wide.”

(OK, but Google also seeks out top talent and then pays them well…)

“We put in all this training and then lose them to the private sector…”

(Which pays them better.)

You get the idea.

But some things are genuinely difficult. Sometimes there are no easy answers – at least not useful ones. 

Animated GardenTerrorism is a fun topic that can’t help but enliven any social event. Let’s take a hypothetical nation with a corrupt or marginalized government, high poverty, and limited opportunity, which becomes a “breeding ground” (here’s to loaded language) for terrorism. We’ll call it Scarykillastan.

For purposes of our example, let’s grossly oversimplify our response options. We can crack down militarily – bombs and soldiers and counterstrikes and whatnot – or we can nation-build – schools and health care and clean water and jobs. As part of this gross oversimplification, let’s assume both options cost roughly the same up front.

If the goal is to reduce terrorism, the only consideration should be which option accomplishes this more effectively. But… is it?

Imagine for a moment that the 1960’s flower-in-the-rifle-barrel thing turns out to be legitimately effective – that if we establish schools and clinics and make sure the locals (including the terrorists) have access to food and clean water, terrorism drops by 90% (remember – hypothetical). On the other hand, if we bomb the hell out of them and their support systems – women, children, and neighboring innocents alike – terrorism drops locally by 75% but pops up in surrounding areas for a net drop of, say… 50%.

How many of us would still demand the latter option over the former? How many of us would still feel on some primal level that the peaceful response is WRONG – that it’s rewarding bad behavior? Coddling backwards mindsets and lifestyles? That it demonstrates weakness and lack of will?

Annoyed PrinceI’m not mocking anyone. It genuinely feels backwards. Some of you will be angry even reading it as a hypothetical example. I’m also not sure things actually work out quite so efficiently in real life, although with this particular example I’ve heard some good arguments that they could. But many of us would argue against the hippie solution even if it repeatedly and demonstrably worked better – for less money, at the cost of fewer lives, and possibly even improving our moral standing in the world.

Child poverty and health care are another example – elements of a complex and extensive reality which I’m again grossly oversimplifying in hopes of making a point. Currently, there’s an unforgivably high number of minors in the U.S. who lack proper care – healthy meals, medical attention, counseling, mentors, etc. Some end up getting in trouble, going to jail or otherwise dropping out of mainstream society. Others avoid major legal entanglements but never rise above their class or circumstances. A number of them die and leave behind the next generation of mess. And the beat goes on.

Since this is a hypothetical (although the problem itself is very real), we can say with clinical detachment that these people are a huge drain on society. They cost money via emergency rooms, detention facilities, and prisons. They burn through resources when they go to school or use public accommodations, and are more likely to vandalize, pollute, and require attention from police or fire services. They don’t become as economically productive as they could, and often end up on public assistance of various sorts.

It’s frustrating, and expensive.

Annoyed Jessica JonesWhat if it could be demonstrated with great certainty that spending more on social services, education, health care, etc., leads to lower crime, higher graduation rates, and over time saves millions of local dollars? What if it could be established that taking better care of society’s most marginalized elements pays off in both human and fiscal terms? Just to stretch our hypothetical, let’s throw in some extra care for women, sex ed in every high school, and maybe some affirmative action, and have it all result in better neighborhoods, higher productivity, fewer unwanted pregnancies and STDs, and a reliable surplus in the state coffers. Would we do it?

It sounds like a no brainer – at least in my oversimplified hypothetical. But if it were that binary, that guaranteed, would we do it?

I’m not sure the answer is a universal “YES!”  I’m not even confident I could get a majority on board.

Because for many of us, it just feels wrong. Like we’re enabling bad behavior, even if (in our hypothetical) it reduces bad behavior. Like we’re rewarding sloth, even if (in our hypothetical) more people are working and keeping jobs. Like we’re compromising on our values, even if (in our hypothetical) more people are living out our values as a result.

I’ve read and listened to conversations not so different from these in schools over the past few years. Sometimes it starts with experiments in restorative justice in place of traditional discipline, or some sort of cultural diversity training in an effort to reduce suspensions and referrals. Other times it begins with conversations about grading practices, or due dates, or student efficacy, or standards-based something-or-other.

I’ve written about some of these topics before; I’m not exactly a committed reformer when it comes to education policy or trendy solutions. And almost everything about public education is more complicated than social media and expensive presenters would have you believe.

But what if it wasn’t?

Mixed Messages CoupleWhat if eliminating grades could be shown to dramatically improve student learning? What if eliminating detentions and suspensions could be shown to drastically reduce discipline problems (not just acknowledgment of those problems, but the actual problems)? What if taking more radical steps towards cultural equity and social justice didn’t create chaos and rolling eyes over talk of safe spaces and microaggressions, but could be repeatedly and objectively shown to improve behavior, and learning, and future success in life, and whatever else we think is important?

Would we enthusiastically begin doing those things?

Do we hesitate because the issues aren’t that simple? Because we’re skeptical as to whether this or that change could possibly have the dramatic impact its proponents claim? Is it because some of it sounds a bit trendy? Or trite? Or just… stupid?

There may be good reasons not to just dive in.

But is it possible that woven into the mix, just behind our carefully couched objections, is a much deeper layer of outrage, or annoyance? A primal demand for a different sort of justice, or vengeance? A vested interest in a sort of moral or cultural hierarchy?

Is it possible that whatever the very real challenges of counter-terrorism, or reducing child poverty, or improving public education, that the proverbial elephant in our subconscious room isn’t effectiveness or cost or validity, but a sense of ideological betrayal? Is there a morally outraged itch of some sort we can’t quite identify but which someone is threatening to stop scratching?

Annoyed BuffyBecause, seriously, CAN’T THOSE PEOPLE JUST GET THEIR %#(# TOGETHER AND THEN WE WON’T HAVE A PROBLEM ANYMORE AND WON’T HAVE TO KEEP BRINGING UP ALL THIS STUPID NEW-AGE INANITY?!? Or, more calmly, “Forget the results – can’t they just GET there the WAY we want them to?!”

You’ve probably thought or felt some variety of this in relation to at least some of these issues. I certainly have.

I’m not arguing for increased aid to Syria or more money for social programs (not here, anyway). I’m certainly not suggesting that more resolution circles or the mass burning of student policy handbooks will loose the Magi-gogical Unicorns to flit alongst your hallways, pooping rainbows of racial unity, well-mannered “grit,” and improved critical thinking skills across the curriculum.

Complicated issues are complicated even when we all think we want the same thing. But certainly the first step for anyone looking to make meaningful improvements or address deep-rooted difficulties should be to check our own motivations and attitudes. Otherwise, we’re in real danger of undermining the very values we claim to be defending, and hurting very real people in the process.

Edu-Meeting Bingo!

BingoIf you’ve been in the world of education for any length of time, then you’ve been to innumerable meetings, trainings, workshops, seminars, and a plethora of other required events – far too many of which end up feeling like they’re all the same thing.

That’s true in many fields, of course – Dilbert and The Office are built on shared experiences, as are sitcoms, satire sites like The Duffel Blog, and any movie directed by Rob Reiner.

But education comes with its own verbiage, assumptions, tone, and flavors – many of which are lost on those outside its ridiculously plain concrete walls. So why not spice things up a bit? Next time you and your peers are called to a faculty meeting or facing a required PD day, print out some of the Official Blue Cereal Education Edu-Meeting Bingo! Cards and “gamify” the experience – that’s a trendy thing to do these days, right? Heck, it practically makes the day “project-based”!

Bingo2To be fair, not everything on the cards is automatically trite or without value. Sometimes things come up over and over again because they’re part of the tools of the trade, or because they genuinely matter. Nothing here is meant to be cruel or mocking in a diminishing way. Surely we can roll our eyes at the silliness without negating the essentials.

Then again, some of it’s just predictably dumb. I’ll leave it up to you which parts are which.

Feel free to add suggested items in the Comments below. Maybe they’ll get added to Round Two…

TAKE ME TO EDU-MEETING BINGO!

RELATED POST: Twelve Grand Truths of Leading a Workshop

RELATED POST: Ms. Bullen’s Data-Rich Year

Faculty Meetings

Actual Reflections (and too many questions)

ReflectingMy school is on trimesters, so coming back wasn’t a new start so much as picking up where we left off. Still, having two weeks to regroup and get a jump on some of the planning for this month was, well… it may have saved my life. At least emotionally.

Whatever the formatting of the –mesters, it’s a new year, calendrically-speaking. Last time I set out to reflect it ended up being a bit of a socio-political meltdown, so I set it all aside for a week of James Bond, Stars hockey, Who’s Line marathons, and Redd’s Blueberry Ale.

It was nice.

Now it’s time to put the big teacher panties on and get back to work. I’m in a new state, a new school, teaching a new subject in a very different environment than before, and while I love it here, and I’m surrounded by amazing people, the learning curve…

I mean, damn. I hate learning curves when they’re mine.

But that’s OK. It’s not like I’m a complete neophyte. I’ve taught a variety of subject to a weird range of students over the years – sometimes in less-than-ideal circumstances – and done fairly well. This is not a profession in which one’s primary concern is boredom.

Besides, actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. I went from VERY successful retail manager, to a daily Classroom inspiration and highly Respected education consultant…..

….to Major Social Media presence and THE Blue Cereal Education (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!

It’s in that most stablest and geniussy context that I’ll confess up front that I have more questions than answers. I realize how trite that sounds, and I’d rather dazzle you with catchy memes about open-ended inquiry being foundational to all wisdom, but… honestly? There are times I’d much rather have clear, simple solutions. Like now.

How Important Is It For Students To Like Their Teachers?

I’m not even sure this is the right question, or at least not the whole question. The issue is in any case more complicated than it sounds.

How important is it for students to trust their teachers? To respect their teachers? To believe that their teacher likes and/or respects them?

I’ll tell you this – things are much easier when students like and trust you. A helluva lot more fun, too. Kids who don’t love the content sometimes play along for the rapport. Kids frustrated with your expectations might complain, but generally go where you lead if they believe you’re looking out for them – AND that you know what you’re doing. “Mark my footsteps, my good page – tread thou in them boldly. Thou shalt find each history page will freeze thy blood less coldly…”

You can write about self-directed learning all you like, and I’m not arguing with how neato that must be – but I don’t meet many of these intrinsically-driven, hungry-for-struggle children. I have to woo and cajole and model and demand in impossible combinations for most progress to occur. It’s exhausting some days.

But there are those light bulb moments when kids who’ve been treading along with you solely because they’re pretty sure if they show effort you won’t fail them although you’re obviously insane and maybe some kids can do this but there’s no way they’ll ever—

Wait. This… did I just… you mean it…? OH MY GOD WE SEE IT NOW! THE KNOWLEDGE ENDORPHINS ARE MY NEW HOLY PLACE!!! WE ARE THINKY-MAN AND MAD HISTORY SKILLZ GURL!

You Were Saying, About Liking and Trusting…?

I love my kids by choice, but I also genuinely like most of them this year. (That doesn’t always happen, no matter what fluff-and-donuts you see on Twitter.) I’m also sure most of them know that I love them. Very few seem to actively dislike me.That last one isn’t a deal-breaker, but it’s convenient when they don’t hate you every day. That makes everything harder.

So, it’s not personal when things aren’t going well. Several of my better students, hanging out in my room by choice the other day, talking about life, and apparently genuinely interested in my honesty, casually mentioned that half the time they just don’t get this class, don’t really like the subject, and wish we did a number of things quite differently.

I wonder if Houdini, in his waning hours, found time to be flattered that his final visitor thought so highly of his abdominal muscles as to preclude any thought of pulling his punches. The comment stung, and it wasn’t the first time I’d heard similar sentiments – from solid students, good kids who were doing well in the class. They clearly meant no offense, and seemed oblivious to my near-death and subsequent internal wailing and gnashing.

I’m genuinely glad they’re comfortable being honest. It wasn’t personal. And not everyone finds the same things stimulating, or challenging, or interesting.

But while they like me well enough, they lack a foundation for trusting the way we’re doing things. Some of this is because it’s their first AP class, and some is because I’m new in the district and don’t yet have a “track record.” Some of it, though – and I hate this part – is because there are definitely things I should have done better, organized more effectively, known more about, handled differently.

That’s why it stung – because they weren’t entirely wrong.

A similar group a few days later suggested the reason so many resisted my approach was because it was no longer enough to just remember and recite the ‘right’ answers the way they always have – they’re expected to analyze what they know, and to apply it in unexpected ways.

I like that answer better. They weren’t wrong, either, but that doesn’t make the first group less correct.

The only way I know to fix the credibility issue is to be credible. That can only be done over time. Which brings me to…

How Important Is It For Teachers To Master Their Content?

We tell new teachers all the time that it doesn’t matter whether they know everything there is to know about their subject as long as they know how teach it and the kids know they care. We then tell them it’s OK that they don’t know everything there is to know about how to teach, as long as the kids know they care and they’ll get better at it over time.

Both of these things are true enough – for new teachers.

But really knowing and understanding your content and related skills does matter. It matters in your effectiveness, it matters in your credibility, and it matters in terms of how often you go home at the end of the day feeling like you suck and may have single-handedly destroyed the future and it’s only Wednesday.

I’ll feel better when I know the content better. I’ll do better when I’m more comfortable with the skills. Those things are both fixable – I have a “learning mindset,” after all – but like so many other things, they take time.

Am I Teaching To The Test? When Do I Stick To The Curriculum and When Do I Follow the Rabbit of Oh-My-God-I-Saw-A-Glimmer-Of-Interest?

I’ve written about this previously, and while I’m at peace with my awkward balance in theory, that hardly resolves the daily details. A related dilemma involves pushing ahead versus slowing down and sacrificing next week’s content and skills to better understand last week’s.

Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about because you wrestle with variations of this every week.

Am I Being Responsive To The Needs Of My Kids Or Just A Touch… Insecure?

We all know the stereotypes. The dry old fart who uses the same transparencies he inherited from his undead sire a century ago, uninterested in and incapable of change. Kids should adjust to him or take the consequences. The touchy-feely mess of frosted flakes in a frump-sweater, like Pauline Fleming in Heathers. (“I suggest we get everyone together in the cafeteria – both students and teachers – and just… TALK, and… FEEL! Together!”) She’d go to their parties if they’d invite her. The approval of teenagers is her only source of self-esteem.

Neither is typical, and neither is fair. But it’s genuinely not always easy to know when to adjust based on student response and when to stick to your guns believing you know what’s best. 

If I could have an answer to only one of my dilemmas, I’d probably start with this one. It’s tethered to a larger argument in education – the false dichotomy we’ve set up on social media between “grit-suffer-boot-camp-crush-them-for-progress!” and “nurture-cookies-love-coddle-them-into-excellence.” Kids simply aren’t that homogenous, nor most circumstances that binary.

Ideally, we’re all studied professionals, networking on social media, having hard conversations and sharing risky reflections within our departments, then moving ahead boldly, confident in the pedagogy and the kids alike. We adjust, we assess, we love, and we continue to learn, and at some point we hear the distant notes of Mr. Holland’s Opus being played down the hall saying maybe we did OK.

Sometimes, though, we’re just doing the best we can – kicking pedagogical booty one day and wondering if our brother-in-law can still get us that gig at his insurance office the next. That’s O.K. As long as we keep going, and getting better when we can.

I’m still looking for ways to be more effective, but I’m done worrying that it’s not right or not enough – at least for now. I’ll let you know how it goes.

RELATED POST: 5 Bad Assumptions Behind ‘Education Reform’

RELATED POST: Teachers Are Delusional

RELATED POST: Teach Like You

Things You Can Do

StressIt’s easy to feel completely and totally whipped by events beyond our immediate control these days. I’ve had to walk away from social media and all forms of legit news – local, national, or foreign – for days at a time, just to find the energy to function and do the stuff “real life” needs me to do. I hate having to choose between being engaged and being happy – part of why things go to hell in the first place is because too many people aren’t paying real attention.

But it’s a new year, and while there’s no particular magic to a man-made calendar and an arguably arbitrary changing of the numerals, it IS a good time to reevaluate and reboot. It’s a GREAT time to try to make small but significant changes in how you approach the world.

Obviously I’d love to make some sort of major difference – so would many of you. And if that chance comes, then take it. Jump. Speak. Risk. Be a hero, a voice, a thorn in someone’s propaganda. What’s the worse that’s likely to happen? Maybe you’ll look a bit melodramatic or paranoid when things play out OK. I can live with that. Maybe there will be consequences, mockery, or even very real backlash. If you’re doing what’s right, I believe that’s a good thing – however much it will no doubt suck in real time.

But while we’re straining to remain vigilant and preparing for the possibility of such moments, I thought it might be useful to have an open discussion about some things most of us could do in the meantime. Stuff to fight the decay, and to proclaim some better “American” values. Heck, some of them may even be spiritual values as well.

I triple-dog dare you to do at least one of these as soon as you finish reading this post, and to add one or two a month until sainthood is achieved and all of our problems are solved. Feel free to add your own suggestions at the end – they may be better than mine.

(1) Subscribe to a newspaper. Anything legit will do. Local papers have many benefits, but there are plenty of online publications you’re reading anyway every time someone links to a story on Twitter or Facebook. Pick one or two and give them your $10/month to read them for real. If we say we value truth and investigatory journalism and the free press, then value it.

(2) Support local artists. Go see a play at the community theatre. Buy tickets to some dance performance that sounds interesting but may or may not make any sense to you. Visit your local museums, and if they don’t charge admission, drop some money in that donation box near the entrance. Go have a beer and cheer for some local band – especially if they’re playing a few originals along with “Jesse’s Girl” for the zillionth time. Art matters. It’s not all miraculous, and it’s not all progressive, but by its nature art seeks truth and explores humanity. If you want to fight our descent into fascism, support the arts in whatever flavor most appeals to you.

(3) Be nice to someone scary and/or dirty. Obviously I’m not asking you to put yourself in physical danger or to give money to someone you suspect is simply scamming folks just trying to make a left turn. But it doesn’t have to be money or taking them for coffee (although the latter has very real potential) – start by making eye contact. Talk to them, even if it’s just to say “hello” or “good morning.” Find some excuse to be pleasant to folks behind you in line or standing at the same counter (bonus points if they’re a different color or obviously from a different socio-economic realm). Let someone have that parking place or go ahead of you to order lunch. Compliment their shoes or earrings. It’s cliched but true – that stuff makes us feel better. 

(4) Volunteer once a month somewhere. My druthers lean towards the ACLU or CAIR, but you don’t have to go that direction if that’s not you. Food banks always need help, as does Habitat for Humanity. If you’re not sure where to start, ask your employer, or find the local United Way, or religious institution of your choice. It’s OK if you want to go with someone you trust a bit more than the rest – but do SOMETHING. A few hours matter, and it might just grow on you.

(5a) Read novels. Fiction tends to promote empathy – not as a plot point, but simply by its nature. Reading of any kind expands our horizons and broadens our base of knowledge. It makes us think differently than we might otherwise, and it takes our brain out of the grind and into a higher place for a while. Even if it’s only for a few minutes a day, we’re not quite the same when we return. Take one of those gift cards you got for Christmas or dig out that old library card you hardly ever use and pick something. If you don’t like it, you have my full permission to set it aside after a few chapters and try something else. No guilt – this is READING.

(5b) Read history. There’s so much accessible, well-written history available. It doesn’t have to be anything overtly tied to current events – pick something or someone in whom you have passing interest and see what B&N, Amazon, or your local library thinks might make a good place to start learning more. Nor does it have to be deep and complicated. If you don’t read much history, start with something light – but legit. Pretend it’s for your teenager if you’re worried about looking foolish. But you won’t.

(6) Get involved in local political campaigns – especially during primaries. Don’t wait until the big national elections. Volunteer to make calls, to knock on doors, to talk to the public. I know it often ends up feeling futile, but we can give up or we can try. So we try.

(7) Pay attention to your loved ones. It’s easy in frustrating times to take our nearest and dearest for granted, whether they agree with us or not. Make sure you’re listening to your spouse, spending time with your kids (and not just watching the news with them), making plans with your friends. Stay connected to real people in your real world. Value them, and love them even if they don’t always make it easy. They’re why reality matters – don’t let it alienate you from them.

(8) Insist on the good things. Listen to music that gives you strength or makes you happy. Binge on that same dumb show on Netflix. Have desert (unless that plunges you into guilt and same instead). Notice when people are smart or funny or do nice things. Point it out to yourself when things work out the way you wish they would. This isn’t about being optimistic, and certainly not about bathing yourself in self-delusion – it’s about building monuments to the “wonderful life” moments. It’s about not letting others’ distortions and destruction steal your joy quite so easily.

(9) When you DO engage in social or political discussions, whether in person or online, avoid either marinating in your outrage or escalating when you know better. Don’t fight crazy with crazy, or hate with hate, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t fight shoddy attention to facts and reality by being shoddier. If your emotions begin to swell, it’s usually a safe bet you should walk away before (or instead of) responding.

Consider responding ONCE to dissent or challenge, on the off chance an actual dialogue may be established. Maybe they have a point. Maybe you’re missing some dynamic in the situation. Maybe you can reach someone else with your ideas or values. But if that’s clearly not what’s happening after one reply, let it go. No need to even tell them why; there are few things so deafening as the silence of cyberspace when you think you’re really sticking it to someone and they simply lose interest and disappear.

And finally…

(10) Meditate, or Pray, or Reflect. Set aside a few minutes each day and clear your mind. Talk yourself through things calmly. Recite the basics you know to be true. List things for which you’re thankful. Sort through what you can and can’t control. If you believe in God, then turn it over – on purpose, whether you feel it or not. If you don’t, do it anyway. Breathe, and lower that blood pressure. We need you, healthy and centered and clear-headed and strong. Take care of yourself, seriously. If you don’t know where to begin, ask someone who does.

Who knows? We might just turn this mess around. Even if we don’t, though, we can go down gloriously. That probably means some kicking and screaming, but it also means refusing to let THEM set the tone. It means insisting on DOING everything we can do to make things better, and righter, and truer, even if we eventually lose.

I believe in you. Let’s get to it.

(Not My) Reflections on 2017

Frustrated WriterI’m a bit jealous of bloggers who sit down knowing what they want to write about, and they write it. Sure, they may edit a bit… or the details and color may fill themselves in as they type, but otherwise they knock it out, hit “publish,” and the views come click-click-clicking along. 

I guess that’s happened for me a few times, but less often recently and not at all the past few weeks. And it should be so easy – the end of the calendar year is coming up, and I’m halfway through a new subject at a new school in a new state where some things have gone quite well and other things have been far more challenging than I expected. I haven’t kept up with the history writing the way I’d hoped, but I’ve tried to at least write about my classroom experiences and struggles along the way. That’s not the sort of thing that’s going to bring back last year’s numbers or make me famous on the Twitters, but it’s useful for me and more teachers than I’d have expected have reached out to tell me it’s encouraging to them as well. What more could one ask in these surreal times?

Most of the time, though, when I start to write this one, it fights me. There’s plenty of typing – but it’s all the wrong things and they keep taking over.  

Real authors will tell you that’s OK sometimes – let the characters feel what they feel, and do what they do, even if it’s not what you intended for them to do. Songwriters sometimes have stream-of consciousness experiences, sitting down to strum a few chords until dinner and suddenly it’s seven hours later and they’ve written, recorded, and produced a rock opera about a blind squirrel who lights up when prime numbers are used, and made it a metaphor for the universal human experience. That stuff is all wonderful, but this is an education blog. Average length, 1200 – 1600 words. Try not to cuss very much. Use appropriate visuals to keep things segmented for the reader. And above all, say something useful – motivational, or educational, or reflective…

It’s that last option that’s been evading me for days now. It should be so easy! This is traditionally the time of year people look back and reflect. Teachers are supposed to do that anyway – at least, I’m pretty sure that’s been mentioned in several of the “Teach Good, Darn It!” books I’ve perused in recent years. To consider what’s gone well and what could have gone better… to rejoice, or mourn, to remember, to improve, or maybe to acknowledge and then forget. 

And that’s where I keep getting hung up – the need to acknowledge and forget. 

I can’t realistically or honestly reflect on the past year without addressing the political elephant in the oval room – all the elephants in all the rooms, actually – breaking everything and stomping on people and getting elephant $#!+ everywhere. Because it’s been a weird year, the kind that needs an obscene modifier or eleven – as in, “It’s been a weird $*!@#^&$^% year!” or even “It’s been a #@()*^ing weird #$&@%$^ year, amiright?!?! 

I don’t wish to dwell on the foil-hatted nut-foolery that is our current government, but neither can I look back and honestly consider the past twelve months without confessing that while state politics depressed, outraged, and destroyed me beyond what I could have thought possible in 2016, national politics surpassed the experience in every possible way in 2017.

I’ve spent hours typing, deleting, and re-typing what should be the obligatory “so yeah it’s been pretty disappointing in so many ways” paragraph which I could then move past to do actual reflecting on my teaching and classroom experiences this year so far. I even have some bullet points jotted down – some of which might even become separate posts all on their own.

> How important is it for students to like you? To trust you?

> How important is it to be a master of your content? Of pedagogy?

> How much is it professionally and ethically OK to modify curricular expectations based on the kids in front of you? How high should you keep that “bar” when so many aren’t meeting it? When do you bend, and when do you not?

> Who knew there was so much history for me to not know? Like, I’ve never even heard of these people or events before now…?! (Yes, that was going to be a real topic, humbling as it is.)

> The false dichotomy of “grit suffer boot camp destroy” vs. “nurture nurture nurture love-coddles”

But I can’t get to them. I haven’t even rough-drafted crappy versions so there’s something to go back and fix. 

The problems is that first paragraph, where I acknowledge the role politics and society have played in making this a draining, discouraging year. I’ve written it about a dozen times, and it’s varied from 459 words to over 2000. It just keeps taking on a life of its own, a contagion, a sentient blob, a meltdown of feelings and words and the inability to get the lid back on that jar.  

I simply did not know I could be so shocked, so disappointed, so despondent, and so outraged for so many days in a row. It’s actually rather impressive – you keep thinking at some point we’d have maxed out the WTF-ometer, then you wake up to find the President is promoting snuff videos from known hate-groups or insisting that many Nazis are just as nice as the folks they run over with cars or siccing his minions on private citizens because they refuse to kiss his ass sufficiently. His voice isn’t his voice, his photos aren’t his photos, his words aren’t his words, and he daily insists that facts aren’t true. Only his words are true – even when they change from hour to hour or make no damn sense to begin with. 

And smart people – people who know their history and understand how the government is supposed to work, even when it’s flawed and messy – just keep shrugging and telling me that he’s simply a bit unpolished and that’s what people find refreshing. That daily efforts to undercut public trust in our own intelligence agencies, to destroy the free press, to further marginalize and demonize the downtrodden, and to make up outrageous, easily disprovable lies nearly every day (“the law never said not to sleep in ANY bed – anywhere you sleep is a BED – it’s ALWAYS said a bed WITH SHEETS!”) – those are all just cute little quirks and besides Obama did it all the time because both sides are exactly the same and that’s why we had to get rid of the other side no matter what so really it’s their fault.

It’s maddening, and depressing, and if I think about it too long, there’s really no reason to get up in the morning, let alone go teach. I mean, my classes are all about history and related skills – document analysis, examining points of view, writing meaningful arguments with a professional tone and supporting them with evidence and reason… all pretty much obsolete and apparently proof of my godless left-wing agenda in the classroom. No wonder we were collectively called out in the President’s Inaugural Address for denying knowledge to all the beautiful children while hoarding all the riches bestowed on public education.

So, yeah – that’s been a defining feature of this past year. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I was better at handling it. But I’ve been trying to write this post off and on for a week now, and every time I end up with 1500+ words ranting and mocking and in ugly despair, hating myself for not being able to just play along, to detach, to pretend it’s not as horribly wrong as it so totally is. Get to the pedagogy – to the struggles – to the kids I genuinely love so much, even when they’re driving me crazy. I keep deleting paragraphs and cutting the word count, but every time I decide to simply move past, it types itself again. 

So here it is. My reflections on 2017 go like this: it’s been a helluva learning curve. I love my kids and my department and the community in which I live and work. There’s much worth considering about what’s gone well and what hasn’t, and I’m always happy to share what I think about pretty much all of it – and maybe even make a wisecrack or two. 

But I should tell you up front – in terms of me trying to be a person, and a citizen, and a social media presence, and an informed human, 2017 has kicked my ass and mocked me as I slapped and spit back. I keep my politics in their place when it comes to the classroom – like the rest of my personal life, I only share pieces at the right time and in professionally appropriate ways. You don’t have to worry that I’m indoctrinating your little darlings, other than my radical obsession with mutual respect, decency, evidence, and reason as I mentioned above.

That doesn’t mean I’m fine with any of what’s happening. Or that it hasn’t dramatically affected everything else. Because it has.

Yes, in the end these are my buttons, my issues, my feelings, and thus my responsibility– I get it. But this is also my year-end reflection – and so, for now, those things are all a part of it. 

So maybe now I can write the post I keep wanting to write. Deciding to write. Needing to write.  

Maybe.

Guess we’ll know soon.

Meltdown