Tips for Inexperienced Flyers

I’ve had the blessing of spending an absurd amount of time and emotional energy navigating airports and airlines and flights to and from various conferences. I’m not the hardened traveler some of you are, but before I enter that category and lose all touch with ‘normal’ flyers (there’s a joke about administrators waiting to be made here, but I’m all High Road about that kind of thing) I thought it might prove helpful to compile a brief list of tips for the first-time or periodic air traveler. This is a bit outside what I normally write about here, and also – I confess – a bit self-serving, because…

You people are making this harder for the rest of us. Or, more specifically – ME.  And that’s really what matters here, although in the interest of social mores I’m going to frame this as if I’m doing it to help YOU. I’m a giver like that.

Top Ten Things To Remember When Flying Somewhere

(1) Don’t fly in the first place. Drive if at all possible. Your chances of dying or being seriously injured go way up, but you’ll be much, much happier. Comfort will go up, cost will go down, you can stop and pee whenever you like, and unless you drive a Silverado or somesuch, the seats will be more comfortable.

(2) Airports are built to be bewildering. The amount of walking random directions, going through scary doors with big warning signs, changing levels, etc., is surreal by design. You know that half-hour of taxiing you did before they let you off the $#%&ing plane? That’s so you can be deplaned as far from baggage claim or public transport as possible. Keep in mind these sorts of projects are built by local politicians and organized crime, and the more miles of tunnels, doors, escalators, and decorative tile they use, the more profitable for Uncle Lenny’s “people.”

I don’t say this to discourage you, but to let you know up front that when you start to feel confused and frustrated and a little stupid – it’s not you. There’s usually a confident clump of regulars who know where they’re going when they deplane – follow them. Or, stop and read the signs – several times if you have to. Don’t worry that you’ll look confused – you ARE confused. Plus, you’ll never see most of these people ever again – what do you care what they think? On the other hand…

(3) Lots of people in airports are in a hurry – get out of the way. When you need to look for signage, or read the Arrival/Departure screens, or check your phone to see if anyone has ‘liked’ or retweeted that cute puppy video you posted, find somewhere non-clogging to do so. The thing where you stand in the middle of the fairway slack-jawed and abashed, or congregate with your entire lacrosse team debating whether or not to get Cinnabon, or otherwise make yourselves into an obstacle course for others? Save that for the mall.

(4) People who work at the airport are unlikely to be nice to you, so change your expectations. I’m not saying there aren’t some very friendly people working for various airlines or for TSA or whatever, or that there aren’t pretty good reasons they hate all of us most days. I’m saying it’s irrelevant – it doesn’t matter – so don’t expect it.  Warm-fuzzies don’t get you seated and in the air.

When we’re treated like nuisances, or idiots, or terrorists, our adrenaline tends to rise out of embarrassment or annoyance. Clear thinking and good decision-making then plummet. Breathe, focus on WHAT they’re saying instead of HOW they’re saying it, and ask for clarification politely but professionally. You don’t need them to be your friend – you need clarity and information, maybe some small action on their part. Most will tell you what you need to know if you keep asking – but you must decide in advance that whether it goes well or not, you will focus on content and not style.

(5) Watch what other people are doing and learn from it. This one sounds so obvious, but happens so little. This applies in all sorts of situations (see #2), but it’s especially true going through security. It can be daunting – all the signs about your liquids, your shoes, your laptops… the TSA officer barking out loopy instructions… lines that keep opening and closing and changing… and the idea that you and everything you have are a threat to freedom and democracy every time you hop from DFW to Hobby… who can focus?

You can save yourself much (but not all) grief and confusion by focusing some attention on the people who look like they know what they’re doing. These are not the people who naturally draw our attention – the crazy lady on the phone speaking way too loudly about her lab results, the quirky family vying for their own reality show, the European girl in the sheer, short – well, you get the idea. Don’t watch them. Watch the guy in the suit & tie who’s taking off his shoes and focused on nothing but the task at hand. Watch the couple NOT arguing because they’ve done this dozens of times together before. Breathe, and keep moving, and do what they do.

At least if you do the wrong thing, you’ll be doing it with lots of other people – and isn’t that one of the fundamental lessons we try to teach our kids?

(6) Airport restaurants are not in the same sort of hurry you are. The menus tend to be limited, the quality substandard (especially if you’re comparing a known chain to its freestanding counterpart in the real world), and the service slow. This is counterintuitive – by default, most customers have a plane to catch. But the waitress doesn’t. Neither does the cook, or the bartender, or the manager.

The normal rules of capitalism don’t apply here because you’re a captive diner. You’re eating at the airport! It’s this or Pizza-by-the-Slice. And it’s not like good service will bring you back – you didn’t fly into O’Hare because the Chili’s, Too! has the best Southwestern Eggrolls or coldest beer; you’re here because this is the only hub that can connect you to Bakersfield, Idaho. Allow more time than you’d think if you’re going to eat.

(7) There are other people on your plane. Don’t bring stinky food onto the plane to eat – we don’t want to hear it or smell it. And it doesn’t go away when you’re done – we have to experience your onion rings the whole damn flight. Consider what items you’d like to have in your seat with you BEFORE you board. I realize that you are the only person whose time and comfort matter to you, but perhaps as you’re working your way through that 15 minute line between boarding and the actual aircraft, you could grab your magazine and glasses from the secret compartments in your carry-on THEN.

AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU RECLINE YOUR SEAT in coach (the section that’s not First Class) on a flight shorter than 8 hours. Yes, I know the seats are made to recline – but if you were in the front passenger seat of a small car, with people sitting behind you, would you move your seat back and recline, just because it’s mechanically possible? No – because Wheaton’s Law, brother.

(8) Babies are babies. They can’t help it – they’re babies. Chances are the parent of the screaming or crying child is far more miserable than you, so breathe and let it go. They are not holding back the magic solution until you glare and sigh enough.

(9) Check your bag. The reason those agents at the gate are so abrasive about the size of the bag you’re trying to carry on is because IT WON’T FIT in the overhead compartment. I paid to check mine so I could put my briefcase up there instead of stuffing it underneath the seat in front of me, eliminating the few inches of legroom I might otherwise enjoy. When I have to do that anyway so you can spend five minutes cramming everything you’ve ever owned wheels-first into overhead storage to save a few bucks and a few minutes at baggage claim,  it makes me hate everyone you love.

(10) Don’t assume the person next to you wants to talk to you. It is entirely possible you’ll end up randomly bound to someone charming, or gregarious, or as bored as you, so don’t miss the opportunity to explore this possibility, if you’re that kind of person. But look for what we in the people business like to call ‘social cues’ or ‘body language’.

If they bury themselves in their newspaper, book, or other interest as soon as their seatbelt is fastened, that’s a clue. Feel free to say a few polite words, smile, etc., but if they merely return them in kind and go back to  their reading or work – that’s code for “I’m reading my newspaper, book, or involved in this other interest.” Not everyone is as desperately lonely and in dire need of approval as you. I fathom the joy of bonding with strangers and becoming besties for life, I really do. But understand that statistically this is unlikely to happen every time you fly. With some of you it’s unlikely to happen, you know… ever. 

If you have comments, additions, or clarifications for this list, or think anything on it is just plain wrong, please – let me know.  If I don’t respond, it’s because I’m reading my book or trying to finish some work and want you to leave me alone.